Monday, August 07, 2006

Retro Drunk Email

This was sent to me by Cesium. It features the lyrical stylings of 2003 GoPcaptains Casey Rundquist, Jason Oswald and Joel Schlosser. Use this as an example for the rest of the year.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Jason Oswald < oswaldj@carleton.edu>
To: Jason Oswald
Date: Sun, 09 Feb 2003 01:35:43 -0600
Subject: on humility
GoP-

So, Casey, Joel, and I are all drunk right now, and probably in that
order. But we decided the prudent thing to do would be to write to you
all about humility. We are also watching The Mummy Returns, so if we
digress a little bit, you will have to forgive us. Casey has some
pretty rude things to say about women in general, and some specific
women too... but back to humility.

"I'll Gaza Strip down your throat you fucking bitch, I will kill you"
-Casey Rundquist in the middle of a rant about humility...

Humans are ility, and based on that, I really gotta go to the
bathroom... so we have been at this for a while with no effect, but now
we are on the roll

Humility is the beginning of nobility. For as much as GoP is about
Ultimate Frisbee, we are even more so about developing the virtue of
our players. In that way, GoP creates a real aristocracy at Carleton
College- we are the virtuous ones, have no doubt about that. The first
step for you aspiring individuals is to become humble, to have the
courage and moderation to take the first step towards noble virtue
(Brendan Fraiser is a really horrid actor).

This is Joel Alden Schlosser speaking. The problem with GoP is the
lack of eros. Eros is, of course, for you retards out there, the
beginning of the philosophic enterprise. Philosophy is the only way to
human excellence. You fatuous fools out there who are wasting your
lives with video games, masturbation, and TV have it all wrong. You
must moderate yourselves -- stop eating so much garbage and start
working out. You're fat! Yes you you fucking corpulent garbage dump.
It's true. And sex won't help you lost any weight, believe you me. Sex
is a disappointment; true satisfaction is through the erotic
philosophic enterprise.

I have to agree with Alden. Philosophy is the way to go. Computer
Science sucks my balls. Actually, philo (how strange does that sound)
sucks my balls too. You know what, there really isn't a good major
(Casey thinks Media Studies is good). If I were you all, I would start
petitioning for a GoP major. That way, Casey and Joel and I would all
have jobs next year (well, Joel will have a job, regardless- apparently
philo is love, or some shit- Joel is going to have lots of sex after he
gets a job). We would come back to teach you all how to be good GoPers.
We haven't really done a good enough job thus far, but we are trying to
teach you humility right now. I imagine that there will be more of
these in the coming weeks- Joel and I have a lot to say.

Casey would like to say a lot more, but I am cutting him off.

Love,

JoelOzQuist

PS: All of you with fucking bullshit majors are pieces of shit.
Economics is a big part of that. Actually -- that's all I'm talking
about. Fuck econ.

PPS: This is all true, unless you want a job after graduation. If
so, refer to Reid Koester. He is cut. In fact he is a tool for
dumping Sarah Croake. She is better than he. I would talk more shit,
but my self esteem would explode.

3 Comments:

Blogger the china knights said...

Dear GoP,
The other day while I was sightseeing in Benxi, China, my fellow American teachers and stumbled upon what we were told was a crocodile exhibit. There were crocodiles, alright... and about five feet in front of them was a vegas-style drag queen number complete with backup dancers. Then, for absolutely no reason (although I shouldn't be looking for too much reason in a crocodile exhibit toting drag queens) the Hawaii 5-0 theme started playing in the background. I smiled and thought of you.

With love from China,
Anna Ing

(I know this has nothing to do with the retro drunk e-mail. Don't worry, once I get drunk here GoP will be the first to hear about it.)

2:58 AM  
Blogger Alcuin Bramerton said...

Your self-esteem has exploded already, BJJ. It is splattered all over the screen. This is good. There are far worse places for self-esteem to splatter: Iraq and Lebanon, for example.

12:20 PM  
Blogger JJBG said...

Eh?

9:44 AM  

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