Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Congrats, Sundy.

In honor of Sunde's recent engagement, I have decided to post this small bit of hilarity from back in the day. Credit goes to Andrew Weiner '06, former captain of GoP.

May 8, 2005

Jerky McJerkass
300 North College Street
Northfield, MN 55057

Dear Jerky McJerkass,
Please forgive the tardiness of this letter, but it has for some time been my intention to communicate to you my displeasure with your most egregious behavior on the morning of Saturday, April 30th, 2005. In the paragraphs to follow I will set forth for you the events of that day as I recall them with the hope that you will come to realize what a big freakin’ jerk you were.
The much beloved GOP jambox was inoperable and we needed to acquire a suitable replacement with which to play our inspirational music throughout the day. Well before the beginning of the first game, several of our teammates brought it to my attention that such a replacement could be borrowed from the CANOE house kitchen. All we needed was somebody who could skip a good part of warm-ups to make the trip to CANOE house and back. We originally planned to force freshman Boris to go, but for various reasons we focused our energy on you instead.
You told us you were uncomfortable simply taking the jambox from CANOE house but if we wrote a note informing the residents of the location of their jambox, you would take it with you and leave it in place of the musical device. I then borrowed from you a marker and wrote a note on an old disc that belonged to GOP. The note read as follows:

We have borrowed your jambox. This disc is collateral.

You took the disc and walked off in the direction of CANOE house. Several minutes later you returned without the jambox. When we inquired as to the outcome of your quest you responded, “Do you know how far away CANOE house is?! I am NOT going all the way over there!” At this moment, the honorable Tory Fitchett tossed you the keys to his car so that you could drive rather than walk the considerable distance. Nonetheless, you were still reluctant to go.
I pleaded with you and offered to compensate you generously if you went to CANOE house and returned with the jambox, but you informed me that there was nothing I could offer you that would convince you to go. Finally after much supplication you informed me that if we had a bye in the second round, you would go to CANOE and retrieve the jambox.
We did, in fact, have a bye in the second round after losing our first game due to lack of music, and I once again approached you to request that you retrieve the jambox. You angrily responded, “I never promised to go. I said I might go if we had a bye in the second round…and I’m not going to.”
Finally, Mr. Fitchett graciously lent his car to the honorable Ty “Fairy” Phelps and me. Mr. Phelps lent me sufficient funds to purchase batteries, because the bag of batteries we had had in our possession was now lost, and we drove to CANOE house where I procured the jambox from the kitchen counter leaving a note in its place.
I hope that, upon reconsideration of your behavior, you realize what a fucking tool you were being. I have replayed the events of that day hundreds of times in my mind, and each time the recollection causes me considerable agony. I am sure that you now realize that the appropriate course of action would have been to cease your stubborn shit-headedness and head our wishes. However, if you do insist on standing by your obstinate conduct that day, then eat my ass.

Grudgingly forever,
Andrew J. Weiner Esq.


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